Once Upon a Time of Magic
by WhoNeedsReality
Summary: When our favourite characters are sucked into a book of fairytales, they find themselves living some of the best known stories of all time. With Fairy God Merlins and other such weirdness running round, story time wil never be the same again... It's fairytales. Merlin-ified. Utter Madness, please R&R!
1. Prologue: Story Time

**AN: I think I'm mad. That's the only explanation for this collection of utter oddity. Now children, make yourself comfortable... It's story time!**

**Disclaimer: I don't own any of the fairytales, or the show Merlin (because if I did, ARTHUR WOULD STILL BE ALIVE!)**

**Moving on... Ta dah!**

"Gaius, this is a ridiculous idea. I demand that you let me go!"

"Arthur, sit down," complained the old man, raising his over-used eyebrow at the handsome blonde idiot sat on the floor in front of him, "all you youngsters of Camelot, not to mention you, Uther-"

"How dare you insult me!" bristled Camelot's tyrannical King.

Gaius ignored him, continuing smoothly. "All of you are culturally starved. You're all philistines. I can't make any of you read the works of the poets, but I can read you _some_ decent literature!"

"I'll have you know that _Playknight_ is _extremely_ high quality literature!" cried a perpetually drunk Gwaine.

"There's no words in that magazine!" protested Merlin indignantly.

"That's because a picture is worth a thousand words, especially to Gwaine," snickered Morgana, grinning at Gwen.

Gaius sighed. "These tales have been told to Camelot's children for generations. I'm sure you will enjoy them if you all just listen!"

In hindsight, everything was Gaius' fault. Because if Gaius hadn't started reading the boring introduction in his dreary montone, Merlin wouldn't have gotten bored. And if Merlin hadn't been bored, he wouldn't have silently started fiddling around with his magic. And if he hadn't silently started fiddling around with his magic, then the book wouldn't have sucked them into it.

And if the book hadn't sucked them into it, then... Well this wouldn't be happening.


	2. Snow White

**AN: Yay reviewers! Glad you guys are enjoying it, keep on reviewing! I just want to explain something quickly- all the stories will be told in fairytale format, as though the characters are unaware of the fact that they're not from there. I might intersperse a few chapters which involve characters realising something's wrong etc. Also, I borrowed the brass joke from bluesheepy, whose story, "The Man Who Told Jokes About Brass" is quite funny! And now, story time...**

Once_ upon a time in a land faraway from anything we know, there lived a king, who was very sad, because his first wife had died, leaving him only their child, who he could not look at because the pain of the loss of his wife always hit him hardest when looking into the baby's pretty face. However, the King was a good-hearted soul and knew that the young one needed a mother's love, so he set about finding himself a wife._

_The woman he chose was named Lady Morgana, and on the day of her coronation, the entire kingdom agreed that with her alabaster skin, lips the colour of roses in full bloom, ebony tresses and bright emerald eyes, she was the most beautiful woman in the world. The Lady, now Queen, Morgana echoed this sentiment, and it was this that led to so many problems in the life of the dear little baby..._

**21 Years Later**

"GWAINE!" screeched Queen Morgana, sitting at her favourite spot in the world- her dressing table. The ornate mirror in front of her reflected her brilliant eyes flash gold for an instance, and then the clear glass rippled, a figure emerging in it. Now, instead of showing the Queen's perfect form, it showed a lean, tanned man, with long chesnut locks, even glossier than Morgana's.

"Alright, alright," Gwaine groaned, sitting up.

"Are you drunk again Gwaine?" complained Morgana. "I can smell your breath through the glass!"

Gwaine belched in response.

Morgana sighed. "Let's just get down to business shall we? Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who is the fairest on the wall."

Gwaine blinked.

The Queen sighed again. "Now it's your bit, Gwaine. You say: You, oh Queen, are the fairest lady this land has seen."

He laughed. "Nope. No you're not. Not anymore!" He laughed some more, and soon dissolved into hysterical cackles on the floor.

Morgana paled, which, considering how pale she was already, was a bit weird. "What do you mean? I hope that's the alcohol talking..."

Gwaine pulled an apple out of nowhere, and bit out of it with a sharp crunch. "Absolutely not- alcohol can't talk anyway." His grin widened as he heard the Queen grind her teeth. "_This_ is the fairest in the land! After me , of course." He waved his hand, and a little scene appeared in the corner. It was a slender young man, dressed in a worn blue tunic, red neckerchief, brown jacket and ragged trousers. He had inky black hair that rested softly on his head like a raven's wing, bright eyes, blue as the sky, and a beautiful, angel-like face.

"WHAT?" screeched Morgana, "_him_? _Merlin_!"

"Well, you should know," shrugged Gwaine, "he's your stepson, after all!"

Morgana's white face turned puce.

Gwaine laughed some more. "And you wonder why you're no longer the fairest!" He turned his attention back to the apple, admiring it lovingly, before eating half of it in a single bite.

Morgana made a curious, whining sound, and waved her hand so that Gwaine disappeared.

* * *

"So," Morgana examined the man with a critical eye, up and down, from her throne, "you are the finest huntsman in the land."

The man, who stood six-foot-five, and seemed to be made entirely of muscle, bowed. "Yes, your highness. My name is Percival."

"Very well... Percival. I have a task for you. See that young man there?" she pointed out the window where Merlin could be seen, weaving daisy chains. "I want you to lead him into the depths of the forest, and kill him."

Percival gave a nod. With his imposing stature and obvious strength, he was often used as a hitman.

"Kill him," continued Morgana, "and then hack out his heart, and bring it to me so I may eat it!"

The huntsman's face contorted in disgust. "What? Your highness, don't take this the wrong way, but you're psychotic! _Eat his heart_? That is _sick_. And anyway, he's so pretty!"

Morgana screamed in frustration. "JUST DO IT!"

"Alright, if you're sure," muttered Percival, backing out of the room.

* * *

"It's Merlin, isn't it?"

Merlin glanced up from picking buttercups. He saw a man dressed in a black cape, with a pair of battle-axes strapped across his back. "Yes," he said suspiciously, "and you are?"

"Percival. Want to come for a walk?"

Merlin leapt up. "No, no, no, no, no! Absolutely not! Stay away from me!"

Percival looked puzzled. "What? Why?"

"You so obviously want to kill me! You're dressed like an assassin, and I saw my cow of a step-mother hand you a bag of gold earlier!"

Percival shrugged. "Yeah, I'm a hitman."

"Haha!" cried Merlin triumphantly, "You see! You thought I'd fall for- aargh!"

Percival had interrupted Merlin by bending down and throwing him over one shoulder.

"This isn't fair!" screamed Merlin, "you can't do this!"

By the time he'd finished yelling, they were already in the heart of the forest.

"Now," said Percival, "you just stay here. The truth is, I've never killed a living thing in my life. I'm just going to leave you here, and buy a pig heart on the way back home, and the Queen will think you're dead. Understand?"

Merlin nodded meekly, and watched Percival turn away.

* * *

"That is disgusting," complained Gwaine from the mirror, watching Morgana smack her lips, "I'm trying to eat my apple, d'you mind?"

Morgana ignored him. "You know what's so special about this?" she asked, taking another substantial bite of the heart, "it's sweet. Sweet withe taste of revenge!"

"Revenge for what?" asked Gwaine, "him being more attractive than you? Because that's actually quite stupid if you think about it, you know, seeing as-"

"Oh, shut up Gwaine,"she moaned, "it was a good line!"

"And anyway," the man in the mirror continued, "it's not even his!"

"What are you talking about?" she sighed.

"The heart! It's not Merlin's, it's a pig's!"

* * *

"Thank God," muttered Gwaine after a while, "I thought you'd never stop screaming!"

"I. Don't. Believe. It," she hissed for the eight-hundred-and-forty-sixth time (Gwaine had counted) "He's alive! I must kill him!" She had been shouting that ever since Gwaine had shown her a vision of a healthy, happy Merlin alive and well.

"I'll use poison," she decided aloud, "send him some poisoned food, and he'll eat it, and I will once again be the fairest in the land! Now, what food should I send?"

"Duh," said Gwaine, "an apple!"

"Hm, that's actually not bad," she mused, "it would signify Eve's temptation at Eden that led to her fall from paradise... it would work nicely in the situation..."

"That too. But mainly because apples are almost as delicious as I am."

* * *

Merlin, meanwhile, was having a lovely time. He had tripped around the forest for a few days before stumbling into the house of seven funny-looking men. Their names were Lancelot, Leon, Elyan, Gaius, Agravaine, Uther and Balinor. After chatting amongst themselves for a while and hearing Merlin's story, they agreed that he could stay with them as a housekeeper and maid of sorts. They all doted on him, and brought him presents from the corners of the kingdom.

One day, Gaius approached Merlin. "Now, Merlin. We'll all be away on business for a few days, so don't open the door to strangers," he cautioned.

"I won't Gaius," sighed Merlin, "stop worrying! You're like an old man!"

"I am an old man!" complained Gaius, and with that, the seven men set off.

Merlin enjoyed himself, flitting around, tidying things up, clearing things away, when he heard a knock at the door. Peering suspiciously through the peep-hole, he saw a hunch-backed old woman, carrying a basket of apples. He had no idea who she was, and was about to walk away, when the door swung open on it's own.

"Oh, _sure_," he drawled, "that's not suspicious at all!"

The woman ignored him. "So nice of you to let in an old woman, dearie," she wheezed, "have an apple! The nice, red, juicy one."

Merlin raised an eyebrow. "Really, woman? There's _one _red apple in a pile of about thirty green ones, and you expect me to just pick the ONE red one? Psht, you are so-"

The old woman, who are more intellectually capable readers will have correctly identified as Morgana, simply reached forward, pinching Merlin's nose so that his mouth hung open, and shoving the apple into it.

Merlin choked and fell to the floor.

* * *

"A glitch?" howled Morgana to Gwaine, who was shampooing his hair and eating, for a change, apple pie, "what do you _mean_ there was a _glitch_?"

"Just that," said Gwaine, his voice calm and happy, "there was a glitch." He smirked to himself, knowing Morgana would be turning puce in an effort to compose himself.

"Alright," she reasoned, "what kind of glitch?"

Gwaine began massaging on conditioner, and spoke slowly. "Basically, Merlin's not actually dead."

A solitary squeak slipped through Morgana's lips.

"He's comatose. There is a way to revive him." He paused dramatically. "True love's first kiss."

* * *

"Noooooooooooooooooooooooo!" screamed Lancelot, dropping to his knees before Merlin's limp body. His six companions came hurrying after him, all lamenting their poor, lifeless friend.

"I knew it!" Gaius wailed, "I knew he was incapable of following simple instructions! He let a stranger in!"

"We should bury him," sniffed Elyan.

"Yes!" Balinor cried, suddenly roused, "in a glass coffin so that all may admire his beauty!"

"Absolutely," agreed Agravaine, "he would not want to deny the world of his perfect form."

Leon stopped sobbing to stare at them for a moment. "Are you sure guys? Because that's a little creepy."

Of course, everyone ignored him.

* * *

Prince Arthur was fed up. He hated his manservant, George, he hated boring patrols, and he was on a boring patrol with George.

"I have another one, sire! What do you get when you cross brass with glass?"

"I have absolutely no idea," muttered Arthur through gritted teeth, "what?" _An end to this misery_, he prayed. Somehow he doubted that that was the answer.

"Brass windows!" cackled George, floored by his own wit.

"You _idiot_," groaned Arthur.

George blushed. "Oh- I- sire, I apologise. I understand, of course, that I am in no way worthy to serve the great and benevolent, the just and glorious-"

Arthur might have thrown himself on his own sword there and then, had he not seen a peculiar scene ahead of him. Seven men were crowded round a clear coffin of some kind, all of them weeping.

He rode up to them curiously. "What's going on here?" he asked.

"Our f-fr-friend, M-m-m-m-erlin. He's DEEEEAAAAAD!" wailed Agravaine, leaning on Uther for support.

Arthur glanced down. "Is he the scrawny one in the glass box?"

Gaius nodded solemnly.

Arthur leaned closer to the coffin. "I think he's still breathing- the glass is misting up here, look!"

There was a panicked flurry as the statement was verified, and the coffin prised open.

"We'll have to administer emergency treatment," stated the Prince decisively, "we'll have to give it, erm, him, CPR."

"Do you know how to?" asked an anxious Agravaine.

"Of course!" huffed Arthur, "first-aid was part of my training as a knight."

And as if to prove his point, Arthur leaned down, pressed his mouth to Merlin's and began pounding on his chest.

A few moments later, Merlin sat bolt upright, spluttering and coughing. "You!" he stared at Arthur with wide blue eyes, "you _kissed _me! Creep!"

"I did not!" cried an indignant Arthur, "I saved your life! You should be grateful, that I, a mighty Prince, saved the life of such an _idiot_!"

"Ass! Prat! Dollop-head! Clotpole!"

Arthur looked equal parts bemused and impressed. On one hand, he hadn't a clue what this Merlin was wittering on about. On the other, he was surprised to find someone who could finally hold up in a bantering match. Looks like he'd finally found a new manservant.

* * *

"But how did this HAPPEN?" howled Morgana, tearing at her hair.

Gwaine popped a slice of apple into his mouth, chewed it, and swallowed. "Exactly what I told you," he answered, unruffled, "true love's first kiss! Now pass another apple, Princess, and stop wailing.

* * *

THE END

**AN: So, whatcha think? Let me know in reviews, and suggest which fairytales you'd like to see next!**


End file.
